People think your gay because of not dating

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But in our historically queer capital and urban America generally, effeminate straight men like me are often presumed to be gay until proven otherwise. Is my experience the flipside of the old normal? In college, I concentrated in lesbian and gay studies, and these days I write about queer issues and events. Not everyone agrees, and so not all women go for femme or bi guys.

Is this some misguided form of straight guilt? By using neutral pronouns and descriptors in the way I speak, am I being politically sensitive or just cultivating misperception?

James P., 8 months ago

Most problematic of all, am I unfairly appropriating queer culture, hoping for some kind of privilege or a certain kind of respect? Duwe argues that this can manifest in two forms. First, there is a shame among those people not engaging in regular sexual activities. Second, there are hypersexualized behaviors that are, I would argue, elevated and encouraged by the gay community. It all comes, he says, from an inferiority complex brought about due to toxic masculinity and many gay men's early feelings surrounding their own lack of masculinity.

The idea that lots of sex equates with happiness or wholeness is just another example of the complex impact that toxic masculinity has had on gay men. All this contributes, Liam suggests, a vicious cycles of repeated patterns and damaging behaviors.


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When I sit down later and think about what happened, it brings it back to the fact that I find sex terrifying. It's a sad situation to be in.

In the early nineties, Dan Rothenberg was having a gay old time—literally. The woman happens to be his wife.

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Rothenberg and Colleen Crabtree, both 35, met seven years ago. Although it took about a year to admit to himself that his Castro days were over, one incident stands out.

For Andrew Brin, who grew up in Milwaukee, it was all about girls—until he had sex with a guy at the end of his senior year of high school.